I'm sitting in the back room of a Macmillan centre at a hospital near the coast, waiting for my wife to finish a course on mindfulness. Around the room there's an array of leaflets on how to cope with Cancer. Four orange chairs surround a small table and four blue chairs are in a semicircle with three occupants. Their conversation revolves around sandwiches, crocodiles and Eric Clapton's mother!

I've been in this room countless times over the past two years as my wife is receiving her own cancer treatment. Every few weeks we make the fifty mile round trip after she first had surgery, followed by chemotherapy and now immunotherapy. We've had highs, lows and everything in-between, but the one constant amongst everything is I've always been her unofficial carer.

People across the country every day of the week take up the mantle when a loved one falls ill. Just like having kids, no-one ever gives you a manual on what to do, you just have to get on with it and learn from your mistakes. So as I sit here, I wonder how many other carers feel as frustrated as I do when you watch the person you love slowly start to die in front of your eyes with this wretched disease, and you know there is nothing you can do about it.

Caring comes in many forms, ranging from giving someone a lift to an appointment through to clearing up vomit off the bed sheets at 3am. When a person is going through cancer you quickly learn to adapt to ever changing mood swings as they too feel extreme levels of frustration. The only difference here, is that you are usually the one in the firing line who normally cops the screaming and shouting, as they try and release their pent up anger. You know it's not personal, but its difficult not to be hurt.

To give you an example, this morning my wife asked me to get her coat, scarf and a bag out of the cupboard whilst she tidied her hair. Because I didn't do it in the exact order she requested, she flew into a rage. Sadly, her outbursts and examples like this are all too common and there are days when it seems I just can't do anything right in her eyes. She does apologise and admit that I'm not actually to blame, but merely she finds it difficult to express from mind to mouth what she's trying to portray. They call it chemo brain, as it's a typical side effect from when a person receives chemotherapy treatment. So if you're reading this blog and thinking my wife is a monster - she isn't. It's just frustration.

As a male member of the species I'm doing the typical thing of keeping everything to myself and not what I keep being told to do, which is reach out to others. For me, I find that writing helps me to "brain dump", and sometimes I produce masterpieces worthy of print, but other times my work is mediocre at best. However, as a carer, no matter how hard you try and keep things on the straight and narrow. No matter how difficult it is when you are being screamed at, and no matter how many times you stare into the abyss in the middle of the night; it's important to remember you are not alone.

Now I'm not the kind of person who can speak easily in a group. In fact if it is ever possible to avoid this kind of scenario then I would try at all costs to run away. But I have heard of circumstances where for some people this does work. Of course, you could also go with one to one counselling, but for me, that seems like a waste of money when you could say exactly the same thing to a good bunch of mates down the pub. People kept urging me to seek help as they could see I was struggling, so eventually I gave into pressure and spoke with a doctor to get the ball rolling.

The first thing they asked me was did I have any suicidal thoughts? This threw me slightly, but then I had to admit the answer was yes. It's true to say I've considered on more than one occasion what life will be like for me after my wife goes, and will I really want to carry on? The sheer thought of being lonely brings me out in sweats and I feel a chill run straight down my spine. I'm not a religious person and don't really believe in the concept of heaven or hell, but it would be nice to think that we would be reunited in the "afterlife" if such a thing ever exists. The doctor however, reassured me that my thoughts were in fact perfectly normal. But if I then started to plan how to end my own life, it's a whole different ball game. I was given a couple of phone numbers to ring to arrange an appointment with a professional, and that was the end of the consultation. But as of yet, I've still to make the call.

I don't know how much longer I will be a carer. I certainly never envisaged that I would be put in this position, so don't even know if I'm actually entitled to any assistance, financial or otherwise. As a self employed person I guess the answer is no, but if you are reading this and you can offer any help or advice then I would be glad of some input. We're hoping that the immunotherapy will at least keep the cancer in a state of limbo, and if it works then my wife should be able to receive this drug for the next two years. Last week we heard that the National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE) has turned down the proposal for her specific drug to be accepted into the NHS. This is on the grounds of amongst other things, its cost. However, there may be a reprieve in January when it gets reviewed again, so here's hoping.

In the meantime, I will carry on helping my wife wherever she needs me. Whether it's getting some shopping through to making the tea; if it helps her to cope with life then I will do whatever is required. We have an incredible bond between us which is definitely being tested right now, and at times I can abundantly see why some couples split up due to the pressure. For me, even though I'm struggling, it's still nothing in comparison to what she is going through. My wife is a superstar, she's my soulmate, my rock, my best friend.

And I love her with all my heart.

Cancer is Hell. Documenting Laura's Journey.

This, is Laura Walker. In November 2018 Laura was diagnosed with stage 2 bladder cancer and an operation would be required to remove the full bladder. On New Year's Eve, she underwent an 8 hour operation to have her bladder removed along with a full hysterectomy, 56 lymph nodes and a section of her lower colon. The surgeons then re-fashioned her colon to make a new bladder for her called a "Neo Bladder". The pictures below start from New Year's Day 2019. 

 24 Hours after the operation and Laura is sedated in the High Dependency Unit of University Hospital Southampton.

 Receiving her second blood transfusion. The first was during surgery.

 3 days after surgery and she takes her coffee for a walk!

 Hospital food. At this stage Laura has a daily restriction of just 750ml over a 24 hour period.

 She went into hospital with just the one blue bag, but came home with a total of seven bags containing all of her medical equipment that she will need for the upcoming weeks. 

 9 days after the operation, she breaks free from hospital!

 Just six weeks later and the first of her Chemotherapy treatments start. 

A cannula is used for the drugs to enter the body. Depending on which part of the cycle, treatment can last up to five hours at a time. 

Gemcitabine and Cisplatin Chemotherapy drugs. 

Shortly after Easter and Laura is admitted to hospital with sepsis.

 Although the china tea cups and cake provided by the hospital volunteers do try and help make you feel at home!

Meanwhile, this is David's view at various times of the day and night.

 These machines regulate the flow of the drugs into the body and have a really annoying beep which never seems to stop. 

Laura's daily intake of drugs. 

Instead of using a cannula, Laura now has to receive all treatment through a picc line in her arm which is inserted into a major vein for several months. However, due to various issues, a total of three picc lines were used throughout Laura's treatment.

The chemotherapy drugs are now starting to show on her skin and hair, along with some weight loss. 

 But she still has her sense of humour.

 One of many trips to to A&E in the middle of the night. This one was due to severe dehydration.

 A typical menu.

 By May the effects are really starting to show. 

After a large spike in body temperature, we are in A&E again. This picture was taken around 5am.

 Laura in an isolation ward as she is neutropenic. By the time this picture was taken, she had already spent nearly four weeks in isolation on three separate occasions and received 2 more blood transfusions.

 Another trip to A&E. This time at 3am.

 June, and Laura stays in bed all day to save up enough energy to watch the Kaiser Chiefs at an open air concert that night. It was worth it!

 Early July. The weight loss is now very significant with over 23kg gone in just 5 months. Chemo treatment has been stopped early after 5 complete sessions as it was deemed to be doing more harm than good at this stage. 

Mid July and SUCCESS!!! After her first scan, Laura is given the "all clear" and can now say she has beaten Cancer! Happy doesn't even come close...

3 months on and Laura has permission from the hospital to act as an ambassador, giving people an insight and to tell her story. She now helps others around the world to make their own informed choices and a better understanding of what to expect. Here she can be seen here talking to someone from Canada who had some questions regarding upcoming surgery. At the end of just an hour on the phone, they felt happier and more relaxed, ready to face the enemy that is cancer.

Unfortunately, the story doesn't end there. In late October 2019 we had a significant blow, as more cancer cells were detected in her liver. Despite further treatment, in December 2019 she was diagnosed as terminally ill and the effects on her body took its toll. On 1st February 2020, Laura gave her last breath in the hospice at Salisbury surrounded by her husband and family at her bedside. Our lives have been torn apart by this wretched disease. 

She was my life, my rock, my soulmate. And someone who will always remain deep in my heart. I don't know what the future is going to hold for me, but I do know that from now on, life will be very different. Prior to her death, Laura asked for people to make a donation on her "Just Giving" site, which was to raise funds for the charity Fight Bladder Cancer. A few of us managed to get this sorted and were thankful for everyone who donated, as we managed to raise somewhere in the region of around £20K (if memory serves me right). In addition, Laura also asked me (David) to sell off her beloved Marmite collection which totals nearly 300 items! A separate blog for this can be seen by clicking this link here of which the money raised from this sale will go to St Raphael's Hospice in South West London. The details of which can be seen below. 

Our heartfelt thanks go to all the staff at University Hospital Southampton and also to Salisbury district hospital. During that time we estimate that Laura has been treated by over 400 medical professionals from District nurses through to Porters, A&E staff, X-Ray teams, Ward staff, Laboratory technicians, Surgeons, Consultants and more. 

But equally, we'd like to thank the unsung heroes. These are the people who by making a completely selfless act saved the life of Laura. It took seven people donating their blood to help keep her alive. The NHS require over 135,000 units each year, so if you can spare just 15 minutes out of your day then please give blood and help save someone else's life today.

General statistics:

• Laura was treated by over 400 medical staff.
• The 24 hour oncology emergency number was called 12 times resulting in 10 emergency trips to hospital.
• All visits to A&E were after 10.30pm and usually lasted a minimum of four hours at a time.
• The longest wait was 18 hours due to a massive bed shortage in Salisbury hospital who had an outbreak of Norovirus.
• Around 55 additional trips to hospital were made for routine appointments and treatment. This isn't including all visitations by David while Laura was in hospital for prolonged stays.
• Approximately £400 was spent in car parking fees.
• Over 2000 miles were driven to and from hospital for appointments and visitations. This equated to six tanks of fuel at a cost of just under £400
• Seven people gave blood to save one person's life. 
• Although no actual figure is disclosed, it's estimated that the cost of the chemotherapy drugs run into the thousands of pounds per treatment. 
• Three picc lines were used during treatment

If you were affected by this story and would like to make a donation at your nearest blood bank, then we'd love to hear from you. So far we are aware that all of the blood which was given to Laura has now been replaced by the generosity of family and friends who we think are awesome. And if you know someone who would benefit from this blog then feel free to share it with them. Just copy the link in the browser and paste it on your social media or any groups that you belong to. 

*******************************************************************

For details about St Raphael's Hospice in South West London, click on this link here.

*******************************************************************

Laura was also an advocate of the British Heart Foundation, of which David managed to raise approximately £6500 (including gift aid) for them by selling off some of her Marmite collection as per Laura's wishes. If you would like to make a donation to the British Heart Foundation, then you can do so using the Just Giving website click on this link here.

********************************************************************

Or copy and paste the full link into your browser here 

https://www.justgiving.com/page/david-walker-1719265653224

********************************************************************

The more that Laura could help others, the more it gave her the strength to carry on each day. She was a truly incredible woman who I loved dearly with all my heart and more. We never know what's coming round the corner, so hug your nearest and dearest, tell them you love them and NEVER waste a second to enjoy your life together.

*********************************************************************

Leave a message in the comments section below and share this blog with all of your friends.

Quick links:

Macmillan Cancer Support https://www.macmillan.org.uk/

University Hospital Southampton http://www.uhs.nhs.uk/home.aspx

Salisbury District Hospital http://www.salisbury.nhs.uk/Pages/home.aspx

Blood donation info https://www.blood.co.uk/

Bladder Cancer Support Group http://actionbladdercanceruk.org/find-a-support-group/

Cancer Research UK https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/